December, the hero flies in to Vancouver to see her brothers. Gets sick through the night and throws up in the sink. Close up on: the hero’s brother reaching one hand in through a crack in the door to turn on the bathroom fan.
January, the hero watches the first season of The Walking Dead and barfs all night. What are the chances of getting food poisoning twice within a month?
February, the hero has to cut her Saturday night hangout short to barf immediately after her friends leave, damn fish tacos, imagine getting food poisoning three times in three months or maybe it’s the flu because the hero feels ill for days afterwards. She watches the entire season of Bloodline.
March, the hero watches all of Marry Me that night but is still sick as the sun starts to rise and watches Assbackwards as well. NO ONE CAN GET FOOD POISONING FOUR TIMES IN FOUR MONTHS say the hero’s peeps GO TO THE DOCTOR.
I’m having some weird stress attacks, the hero tells her doctor, just like food poisonous related stress attacks.
We’re only going to call it stress as a last resort, the doctor says.
Cue: BLOOD TESTS
Cue: ULTRASOUND
Cue: U HAVE GALLSTONES U FOOL, says the hero’s bff Clara.
Cue, U HAVE GALLSTONES U FOOL, says the doctor but Clara called it first so credit.
I have gallstones, the hero tells her mother.
Those are very painful, the hero’s mother says. Did you have pain?
?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!???????????????????!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Yes, says the hero.
The hero’s mother comes to visit. The hero get sick again and stays up all night shaking.
Why are you doing that? the hero’s mother asks while the hero watches Captain America. Are you cold? she puts a blanket over the hero’s shoulders.
Close up on the hero sitting in the surgical specialist’s office. They couldn’t find your gallbladder in the first ultrasound, says the surgeon. I can’t remove an organ if they can find it.
Exposed as a hypochondriac, the hero goes for a second ultrasound, feeling deep shame. She knew she shouldn’t have gone to the doctor about this, but it’s too late now and she has to see it through.
Could you find my gallbladder? the hero asks the ultrasound technician who was very nice and not at all awkward about making the hero take out her navel ring. Imagine if after all this I was born without a gallbladder.
You have [something something echo something]. There are so many stones that we can’t see your gallbladder, just the ridge where it connects, says the ultrasound technician, who is still very nice even though she got a lot of ultrasound lube in the hero’s belly button.
You have stones and need surgery, says the medical receptionist lady at the surgeon’s office. We’re booking people who were here in March for July appointments, so you’ll probably be in September or October. In the meantime, just got to the emergency room and they will give you morphine.
Can’t be too serious then, the hero tells everyone. Obviously I’m good to wait for a long time.
You can’t actually go to the ER, the hero’s mother tells her over Skype. The hero’s mother is very concerned that she will become addicted to prescription medication.
PSYCH, the medical receptionist lady says, one week ago. The surgeon said you can’t wait that long and to give you the next appointment. How is the Tuesday after next AS IN ONE WEEK AND CHANGE AWAY, NOT EVEN TWO WEEKS AWAY.
Cue: MOAR BLOODTESTS
Cue: Pre-op doctor’s appointment
Your airway looks good, says the hero’s family doctor’s replacement who is there while the hero’s family doctor is having a baby. They won’t have any trouble intubating you.
How very dare you, says the hero. I will not be intubated, that’s a pass on that one.
One other thing, the hero says, is that I heard being a regular pot smoker can interfere with anesthetic. NBD but I’m asking for a friend and also I haven’t smoked pot since I found out I had gallstones.
How long?
Like a month, the hero says, because that time last weekend didn’t actually count as it was with friends.
You’ll be fine, the hero’s doctor’s replacement says.
Cut to, the hero in a meeting at work. This will be our last meeting until mid June, the hero tells the group, because, like a true hero, she runs the meetings and they don’t happen when she’s not there. I am taking the next two weeks off work for surgery.
I had one gallstone, one of the men at the meeting says. It was very painful. I was doubled over. He looks at the hero meaningfully.
Yes, the hero says after a pause. She doesn’t know why people keep telling her that gallstones are painful as if she wouldn’t already know that.
Cue: TODAY, Thursday, five days away from surgery.
Cue: SPOILER ALERT, I am the hero.
Cue: THIS HAS BEEN A PUBLIC SERVICE ANNOUNCEMENT ABOUT GALLSTONES
Cue: YOU PROBABLY WOULDN’T KNOW UNTIL SOMEONE TOLD YOU BUT THEY’RE QUITE PAINFUL.
Gallstones, nature's way of making sure you're caught on all the TV ever made.
